In this article, I will not write about the early childhood, when children wildly imaginative make up events. These are not true lies, though you should talk with your children and try to bring them to the reality.
I am going to write about the lies of school children whose are usually either silent or lie about grades and disciplinary violations at school.
I used to hide the lower grades from my parents (otherwise I was an excellent pupil), and when they would ask specifically, I lied. The reasons for this were too sharp punishments, both physical and psychological. It is terrible when a mother does not speak with her child because of grades lower than expected. So I would buy the time, sometimes I improved the assessment before the lie was uncovered.
I have been teaching for quite some time and I found that many children lie to avoid disappointing their parents who have unrealistic expectations, compared to the real possibilities.
From both experiences, I know for certain that the children are very unhappy when they lie to their parents. The first reason is that they are not able to resolve the problem (a bad grade, a conflict in school) by themselves, but they cannot seek the help of parents because they had lied to them. Another reason is the constant fear of the reaction of what will happen if the lie is uncovered. They become absent minded, learn less and enter a vicious circle of failure and lies.
Of course, no parent wants his child to suffer. The first time your child tells you a lie, ask yourself immediately:
-My child made a mistake, what am I doing wrong?
My daughter was an exceptional pupil, she has the above-average intelligence, and would adopted knowledge easily. She was disciplined and did not have any major problems in school. She is very ambitious, well organized, everything was planned in advance and if things did not go according to her plan, she would see it as a failure. Sometimes she would have grades below the expected rating, and there were some conflicts. In such situations, on her way to home, she would keep thinking only one thing:
“I need to get home, I need to get home, and everything will be a lot easier”
I am very proud of that.
First, I would listen to her carefully, than we would discuss and analyze the problem. In the case of lower grades, my suggestion was always the same:
-It's not a problem, sit down, learn and improve!
If the event was the conflict with the teacher, I would offer her to mediate and mitigate the conflict. Of course, we would analyze at first the extent of her contribution to the unpleasant event, and what was possibly wrong in her behavior.
My son was also an outstanding pupil, he would learn easily, but he never worried about the occasional bad grade. He would make the disciplinary violations at school. He would describe me every such event in detail and then we would talk. First we would try to see what was wrong with his behavior and what needed to be done for such behavior not to happen again. Then I would go to school to alleviate consequence. I would not justify his unacceptable behavior, but I expected the teachers help and support to overcome unpleasant situations.
I once lost my patience and said:
-Son, why won’t you calm down? Again, I should put on the sad face and go to school to explain that you’re basically good, but still...
He replied with apologetic tone, fully aware of his fault:
-Well, if it is too embarrassing for you, then don’t.
I knew that he expected my help to get out of unpleasant situation and so I went to school, of course.
Both of them were always sure that they could count on my help, no matter what they did. I do not remember that I have ever punished them for the bad events in school, but I have always praised them for good ones.
No child wants to be bad- all children want to be good.
If the child does not find necessary understanding in the family, the child will seek it elsewhere. Just think how many dangerous places exist in your environment, where your child can look for support, if they do not dare to seek it from you.
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